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A story made the rounds last week here locally in Houston about a 32-year-old Houston man who was suing a stripper for thousands of dollars that he reportedly loaned her.
Apparently, there was a miscommunication between the two as to whether the cash should have been defined as a handout or defined as a loan. Apparently, the john patron was unaware of the "golden rule" of strippers that if you hand them money for any reason at any time, they will generally see it as "theirs" on a go-forward basis. Truly a "buyer beware" situation for that young man.
That's why, when it comes to "who owes whom what" cases between strippers (or in this case, "stripper providers") and patrons, the Bryant McKinnie case is much easier to dissect. And I like easier.
McKinnie is an NFL offensive tackle who is probably best known in Houston for being the birthday boy at the party last fall in Baltimore where a stripper named Sweet Pea rearranged former Houston Texan Jacoby Jones's face with a jumbo-size champagne bottle.
Well, as it turns out, McKinnie's affinity for strippers is not just limited to special occasions like his birthday or bachelor parties. He semi-famously (and, at the time, allegedly) had run up a total bill for "strip club" services that exceeded $375,000, allegations that McKinnie called "bogus" at the time.
Well, as it turns out, the charges were very real (maybe McKinnie was saying the "big-ass charges," not "bogus charges"?) because McKinnie reached a settlement and was ordered to pay $150,000, according to the website re-tox.com:
Turns out Bryant McKinnie's infamous $375,000 strip club bill wasn't as "bogus" as he said it was; the 350-pound offensive tackle has finally agreed to pay for a massive chunk of the alleged debt, roughly 4,000 lap dances worth, aka $150,000.
According to new court documents, McKinnie recently struck a settlement agreement with Trick Daddy's father Charles "Pops" Young after Young sued McKinnie for $375,000 in 2012.
Young claimed McKinnie ran up the bill over a 20-month period at two of his strip clubs, including the Miami staple King of Diamonds. According to Young, McKinnie promised to pay the bill back in 2010, but never did.
(If you're into reading the actual legal document, blacksportsonline.com has it on their site.)
I say this as a staunchly heterosexual male, albeit one who doesn't spend a ton of time in strip clubs (because they're ten times as depressing as they are arousing), but I don't know of a bigger waste of cash than lap dances, and I say that from a purely financial perspective, not a moral one. (I'll let each of you decide what is and isn't morally acceptable.)
To that point, let's evaluate McKinnie's fiscal efficiency on this settlement:
* 4,000 lap dances equates to 4,000 songs and at 3:45 per song, that's 15,000 minutes. (I'm being generous with the length of a song being 3:45.)
* At $150,000 settlement, that's $10 per minute. (Imagine if we evaluated McKinnie at the $375,000 full tab amount!)
At roughly $30-$40 per lap dance (which is in the range of retail for the "basic package" for one lap dance), I think we can reasonably surmise that, at $375,000 full boat, McKinnie was receiving a whole bunch of, ahem, "extras" with his lap dances and that he's essentially being asked to at least pony up the amount for the "basic package."
So in car-wash parlance, with the settlement, McKinnie essentially gets the strip-club equivalent of the "works" at the "basic" price. Pretty good settlement on a pretty horrific investment.
By the way, if you want to boil the chronological math down, this all means that Bryant McKinnie spent 10.4 total days (like full 24-hour days) over a 20-month period getting lap dances. I think McKinnie should organize a charity event to see how long he can receive lap dances without eating, drinking or getting up to pee.
McKinnie-thon 2014! Make it happen, Sweet Pea!!