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"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, J.J. ABRAMS? HOW COULD YOU?!?!"
Those were the words that kept running through my head as I watched a movie, that for some reason, I thought would be good.
Why did I think it would be good? Because of the previews! The previews made me think so. The premise of a giant monster attacking NYC has been done in movies before -- Godzilla, King Kong, etc. -- so I was all for it again... and this one looked like it would be great! You don't get too much from the previews, no plot line really, but you get a lot of action... people running in the streets trying to save themselves from whatever it is that is hell-bent on destroying the city for no apparent reason.
What the preview does not tell you is that there will NEVER BE A PLOT LINE and that the entire movie is literally a SHAKY HOME VIDEO. It was like handing your homeboy a video camera on a roller coaster ride, only your boy also suffers from seizures. IT'S THAT BAD.
One of my good friends from college was in town this weekend and accompanied me to the movie I know refer to as "CloverWTF?" Twenty minutes in, when we realized that we were still watching the movie through a first-person lens, I became nauseous. I leaned over, "Mike... I'm going to be sick. WTF? Let's be out! You wanna go???" He mumbled "no" and said he wanted to give it more time, but added that the movie was starting to really piss him off.
We sat. I closed my eyes, opened my eyes, covered my eyes - but the lights kept flickering and I kept feeling sicker and sicker. I ended up tying my scarf around my eyes so no light could come in and the motion sickness would stop.
For the few scenes I could stomach, all I could see was more shaky video, feet running, a couple eyes, a tarantula-looking giant alien, smaller tarantula-looking aliens, guns, bazookas, etc. The only thing I couldn't see was a freaking plot line: just running, running, running.
It's like this... Imagine: You are with your friends at a party and someone has a video camera out. All of a sudden, a giant monster starts blowing up buildings and you and your crew start running. The whole time you are like "WTF is that??? WTF is that," but never once do you run into someone who has that answer. Things attack you and your friends, one of your friends dies, then another, then another, until you are all dead. The camera's been rolling the whole time until suddenly... The end.
You LEAVE the movie not know WTF "Cloverfield" even is!!!! You leave the movie not knowing if the alien was an alien or if it was some sort of pre-historic giant insect that woke up from a deep slumber. You know nothing!!!
I was had. I was duped. I was bamboozled.
The movie came to a close and everyone just sat there in silence.
Finally, I broke the silence with a booming, deep "THAT MOVIE SUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKEEEDDD!!!!!!!!" Mike started laughing then everyone was rollin'. Everyone was like, "I know! I know!!!"
As we walked out of the theater, we told everyone we saw that it was terrible. I even announced it to the people who were buying tickets: "DO NOT SEE CLOVERFIELD! DON'T DO IT!!! SAVE YOUR MONEY! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!" Had I not had to take my boy directly to the airport, we would have picketed the theater with signs and sandwich boards, and megaphones to get our point across.
CloverWTF took in $41 million its opening weekend -- the record for a January release, but it did so on false pretenses. The previews LIED to us. J.J. Abrams -- who I love, who brought us all 'Lost' and 'Alias' -- took advantage of our trust in him. I feel used!!! Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible...
I will say there was one thing good about the movie: the sista lives... and we all know that NEVER happens in sci-fi, horror films. That's got to be the first time in history. At least she escaped this awful movie. I, on the other hand, was one of the many causalities.
