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I got a call from one of my friends the other night who recently got married. Of course she is drunk with bliss, which always makes me smile. She is the type of person who deserves every happiness in this world and has been through a lot to get to this point.
We hadn't talk in awhile, so I was hoping to catch up with her about her life, however the conversation was dominated about who got married to whom, who came back from which exotic honeymoon spot, and who was pregnant (which was mentioned as "they are pregnant" instead of "she is pregnant," which is p.c. but really b.s. if you ask me. The dude is NOT pregnant, but whatever... I get it). Anyway, I wouldn't mind if I KNEW half of the people she was talking about, but I DIDN'T! She was telling me about people I had heard about maybe once or met in passing for five seconds through her. I was thinking, "I don't give a rat's ass about these people," but decided to be nice and just tell her, "Remember? I don't know them." Instead of saying, "Oh that's right," she felt the need to explain who they were and then went on about their weddings, and honeymoons, and babies etc. etc. etc.
I tried to steer the conversation another way, asking about her new job, recent vacations, etc... But she continued, progressing to the most recent triple, double camp-outs and baby showers and couples, couples, couples.
I politely cut the convo short and immediately called my SINGLE best friend and vented. She knew just what I was talking about.
It is not that I am against couples. In fact, I would love to be in a relationship, a couple. Knowing that, you might just write this blog off as self-pity or jealously under a thinly-veiled guise, but I swear it's not. Although I would like to be in a relationship, I understand that I am single for a reason. I take it as a sign of God's wisdom -- that I need to do more for myself before I do for someone else. I believe I am a good woman, but God knows I am destined to be better and that I need to do that for ME alone, without distraction. I get that. I am THANKFUL for that. He's given me the gift of a bit of selfishness in a way.
But -- in talking with my single best friend (who was married for quite awhile before divorcing), I realized how $*%*!ing tired I am of my married friends speaking in "couples," as if they jumped on Noah's Ark and will never come on shore. It's like they can't go to the bathroom without talking about the other one's bathroom habits!
I understand that marriage is a union -- a beautiful joining of lives to form one. I am the firmest believer in the sanctity of marriage. BELIEVE ME! Just a short time ago, some would have even considered me naive in my idealism. However, since when did getting married mean that you have nothing else to talk about but your marriage, significant other, or someone else's marriage, or significant other?
What about the things you loved when you were single? I love spending a rainy (or sunny) weekend afternoon in my favorite Park Ave. cafe (or South Ave. or East Ave. which ever mood strikes me). I love going to my stylist Rita's salon and getting lost in my New Yorker Magazine, knowing I won't finish the article until next week when I come back. I love going to the gym and then chillin' in the sauna well beyond my half hour limit without having to rush home. I love walking aimlessly in the mall, spending money on shoes and accessories as if I don't have enough already. Beyond the alone time, I love when my girl comes over and teaches me how to cook another meal (which she is kind enough to do several times a month despite taking care of two kids). I love going to museums, and movies, and clubs, and bars with my single girlfriends -- the later two more sparingly now that I have entered the second half of my 20s and don't feel the need to shut down a club every weekend like I did when I was 19, 20, 21...
Do you lose the things you love as a single woman, the alone time or time with your girls, once you get married? Or -- is it just that all of a sudden you can't think of anything else?
I had a friend like that in college. Whenever she got a boyfriend, she would dip... nowhere to be found. I was happy that she was happy. At the time, I had a steady boyfriend too. But -- I missed my friend. My life was not defined by my boyfriend. We spent a lot of time together, but even at that young age, I knew a real woman should never be all up under a man. When I studied, most times I made it a point to go to the cafe or library by myself. When I went out, I would go with my girls and meet him and his guys out towards the end of the night. We did go on spring break together one year - but being there, two, by two, by two (three couples), I kept thinking "This is weird! Spring break shouldn't be all coupled-up! I should be with my girls." We had a good time, but we could have taken a trip later. Spring Break was Spring Break and I couldn't help but feel I missed out.
Anyway, the initial conversation that I mentioned a couple nights ago got me thinking about all that. My friend is by no means a lost woman by the way. She knows who she is and would never define her life through a man alone, but all of a sudden relationships and marriages of EVERYONE are of the upmost importance, the center of most conversations. How do you say "I don't give a damn about these random ass people and their weddings and babies," without sounding bitter? It is not an issue of being bitter! It's an issue of being utterly BORED. Tell me about YOU! More and more, I find myself wanting to scream this to my newly married girlfriends, but instead I just call the single ones who complain about the same thing.
Women always talk about what they gain through marriage, but what do we lose? I am not saying the losses outweigh the gains by any means. I look forward to a beautiful marriage, kids, traveling, growing old with someone, retiring, grandkids! Women are always thinking ahead. However, I will never lose myself in the process. My mom never did and she has been married to my father for 30 years.
She lives for her family, but she defines herself by so much more. Like me, she is a writer, or rather I should say like her, I am. She sets aside time every night to work on her book. She takes time to herself weekly to get her hair and nails done and meet a girlfriend or two for lunch. When my sister and I lived at home, she would have a "girls day," which always included a trip to the mall that we swindled out of her and a movie. If we didn't want to see the movie she did and my dad didn't either, she would go to the movie herself without a qualm! She still does that! Now, with the kids out of the house, my parents travel a lot, have been all over the world together. But, you know what? When she is overseas, she sends postcards back to HER friends about what SHE DID... like meeting a new friend in Denmark and buying clogs that she knows will never touch her feet or watching elderly women in China stringing pearl necklaces for her daughters in the water right before her eyes and how it made HER feel. Of course, she will put in a line about my dad and something fun they did, but she makes sure to explain how SHE felt, what SHE did. This is not a conscious action. It is unconscious -- beautifully individual, strong, assertive, comfortable --- and most of all GENUINE!
She has always been her own woman, so I know it is possible to get married and be that. I am just concerned for young women who don't, who can't balance that... who define themselves with only a "we" once the ring is on the finger. It's frightening!
I made my single best friend promise to smack me in the back of the head if I do that. I promised her I would do the same for her... and believe me, I have a strong wrist. She is gonna feel that one if it happens.
